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Jenny wrote:

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That was a man called Doctor Who.

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I hope this information is of some use.

Una wrote:

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Jenny, that was a masterpiece. Can we have a retelling of some of the B7 episodes now?

BLAKE Episode 13 series 4.

Farmer Morgan, a man who looks just like Blake, but isn't, settles down with his wife and young son on the planet GP. He is an amateur radio enthusiast. Sending signals all round the Galaxy, and annoying people by asking them pointless questions like, "What time it is on your planet?"

One of these signals is picked up by Orac. Avon thinks it *is* Blake and gets very upset that Blake appears to have been faking his death for all these years. Avon decides to take revenge.

As Scorpio leaves Xenon Base, Avon remembers he's left the gas on, but by doing an impersonation of Slave and cleverly throwing his voice, he convinces everybody else on board that they in fact wanted to blow the base up anyway.

When Soolin finds out that they are heading for GP, she makes up an incredible story about how she used to be a farmer!However, as Soolin has a silver spoon accent and is giving a very poor performance, Avon cleverly deduces that she is in fact a lying cow. (The inner processes of Avon's mind in this scene is made clear by the way the little finger on his left hand momentarily twitches. AND IT *IS* THERE!)

Meanwhile, on GP, Farmer Morgan has started a war with some forest animals. This came about because one day when out for a walk, he got bitten on the face by a vicious flying squirrel. In retaliation, Farmer Morgan captures an innocent rabbit called Fluffy Tail. During its interrogation, (which involves cutting its head off and burning it) Farmer Morgan meets a young cross-dresser called Arleen. S/he also joins in the interrogation, and soon they are being attacked by a group of horrified animal rights activists. During the fight Arleen is stung on the leg by a savage bee.

Up in space, Orac tells everyone that GP is a planet that has been bought by an environmentalist group. The initials GP standing for Green Peace. Two seconds later Scorpio comes under attack from the battleship "Rainbow Worrier". The others teleport down to the surface, and Tarrant crashes the ship into the planet, destroying 5 miles of valuable hedgerows, an apple tree and two rutting bears.

That night, Dayna, Soolin and that loveable rogue Vila, break into a lonely farmhouse.Vila immediately starts smashing up all the furniture and burning it. He then writes the word, "WANKER" in excrement across one of the walls, before stuffing all the silverware down his trousers. "I wonder whose house this is?" he says, before stealing all the kiddie's toys. But he is soon to find out, because exactly three and a quater hours later Blodwin Morgan and her young son Taffy arrive to find that Vila has eaten all the leaks, broken all their Max Boyce records, and is now choping the legs off their Grand Piano. Luckily, just as they are about to call the police, Avon appears and brutally murders them both.

Back at the crashed Scorpio, a group of Tree Huggers arrive in a flyer. They cry copiously when they discover the terrible damage Tarrant has done to their lovely countryside. But then Farmer Morgan turns up, and shoots them down with a twelve bore shotgun. The flyer crashes onto a nest of badgers, killing them instantly. Some dead leaves are creased, and a pine tree gets badly scorched. Farmer Morgan and Tarrant have a good laugh at the irony of it all, and decide to head for Green Peace HQ, "to teach those nature loving Lefties a lesson, or two".

Back at Morgan's farm, Avon discovers a silver framed photograph of Farmer Morgan with his wife and son. The photo has the words, "See? I'm not Gay!" inscribed on it in black ink. Avon deduces from this that he must be a closet case. (The inner processes of Avon's mind in this scene is made clear by the way his right ear doesn't move at all.)

Meanwhile, Farmer Morgan and Tarrant have blagged their way into GPHQ by pretending to be each other. However, Farmer Morgan turns nasty when Tarrant cracks his one and only joke about the Welsh. "What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Cardiff? A Leisure Centre!" Tarrant tries to change the subject by asking Farmer Morgan about his root vegetables, but Farmer Morgan is unmoved, and so Tarrant runs for it instead.

Avon and crew, meantime, have entered the base's reception area. Avon finds a new gun, and as he fiddles with the trigger accidentally shoots a woman dead. Avon, who normally treats women with great respect, and always acts like a gentleman, is horrified by what he has done. (The inner processes of Avon's mind in this scene is made clear by the way he dramatically shows no emotion at all.)

He's about to apologise when Tarrant suddenly enters the room. Avon, mistaking Tarrant's bruises for red rouge and lipstick, immediately blows him away. Then Farmer Morgan turns up. "Are you Blake?" Avon asks, "No," answers Farmer Morgan. "Oh, okay." Avon says, lowering the gun, "Sorry to have bothered you! When's the next interplanetary bus due?" Farmer Morgan scratches his crotch, gives out an enormous fart and then says, "You've just missed it." They all leave anyway.

The End

As you will all no doubt be aware, this clearly accurate interpretation of the episode Blake fits seamlessly into my own personal and painstakingly worked out fannon.

Jenny

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