Well, it's not proper fanfic, but a couple of people were misguided
enough to enquire how my Scottish friend might fare in a few more
episodes...
"Sarcophagus"
by Harriet Monkhouse
[Scene: The Liberator flightdeck, lit by lightning flashes. The Alien
is hissing at Avon, while Vila, Dayna and Tarrant crouch on the floor.]
AVON: You look so beautiful when you're angry.
[Avon kisses the Alien, and tries to take her ring.]
ALIEN: You think a girl's going to fall for that old line?
[She promptly knees him, and he falls writhing to the ground. Tarrant
and co wonder whether to help him, but think better of it. Enter Man
with Duffle Bag. Brief vision of Symbolic Masked Man with Duffle Bag,
holding up duffle bag in mysterious ritualistic manner.]
JARRIERE: Now, miss, no need to get nasty!
ALIEN [looking him up and down]: Who are you? Was your presence here
predicted? You seem familiar, but you hardly fit the bill of
"intelligent menial"...
JARRIERE: Well, miss, we'll let others be the judge of that. Now, if
you could just come here... [He has been fiddling with the bag, and
finally opens it up, to reveal a giant blue egg.]
VILA [hopefully]: Oh, is that chocolate?
ALIEN: No!
VILA: Marzipan, then?
[Dayna jabs him somewhere painful until he shuts up.]
ALIEN: No!!
[Jarriere pulls out of his bag something resembling the tube from a
vacuum cleaner, attaches one end to the egg, and waves the other end at
the Alien.]
ALIEN: NO!!!
[Her form begins to distort as she is sucked down the tube into the egg.
All that is left is a faint murmur of "Eldrad *must* live!" Jarriere
pulls out the tube, reveals that he is holding the Alien's ring, and
somehow uses it to seal the hole in the bottom of the egg. Cally
staggers on to the flightdeck and gazes at him, tearful but grateful.]
JARRIERE: I'm sorry you had all that trouble, miss, but really, you
should check the "Display until" notices on alien artefacts more
carefully. [He finishes putting the egg back into his duffle bag and
slings it over one shoulder. Exit]
--
Jarriet
Jarriere: [Shakes his head] - Gambit