Responding to me, Sally wrote:

<But once Orac brought it out into the open, Avon was forced to acknowledge it. And once he'd permitted the thought into his head, it would have gone against his entire self-image *not* to follow up on it.>

That's a tad too harsh, methinks. I don't believe the self-image comes into it, just the simple truth that he *is* a survivor (if not *quite* first and foremost) and once thrown a lifeline will grab it, if a little falteringly.

Harsh, yes, but I'm inclined to think that the self-image thing *is* a factor, and not a small one. I don't have anything concrete to point to in canon supporting that, mind, so it's quite likely just me projecting. But I do think Avon has built a lot of his self-identity around being a survivor, around being pragmatic and unsentimental and controlled by intellect rather than by emotions. Hell, I think he likes to equate "pragmatic" with "intelligent," and intelligence is certainly at the core of his self-perception. To have allowed his emotions to override the clear logic of survival wouldn't *just* have endangered his life, it would have forced him to accept that he'd let sentiment make a fool of him *again* (after Anna, after Terminal). Talk about adding insult to injury... And, yeah, I *do* think Avon's capable of killing to protect his ego. Hell, I think that was at least a part of the whole emotional mess that led to him pulling the trigger on Blake. He was "forced to recognize the fool" *again*... Painful. Very, very painful.

Actually, it's an impossible situation - either way he went, he must condemn himself utterly by his own standards afterwards.

Yes, if he *had* let Vila off the hook, he would have been utterly disgusted with himself for failing to live up to his own standards of behavior, for failing to be the cold, self-interested bastard he really, really *wants* to be. For being *weak*, when weakness is the one thing he can't afford. On the other hand, if he'd killed Vila... *he would have killed Vila*. Yet another load of guilt that he can't even acknowledge because he can't admit to himself that he has anything to be guilty *about*. Angst-city, any way you slice it.

(yes, yes, I know, :) 'Avon nearly killed Vila, poor Avon').

It's amazing how easily he evokes that sort of reaction, isn't it? :)

Which is why Blake's insistence on trusting him in Time Squad and thereafter really *doesn't* please him one little bit (yet, once he cares about someone, the lines blur. I think by S2 he does - reluctantly and without admitting it - want and value Blake's trust, look how that temper-driven stab of Blake's in The Keeper *stings*).

Oh, yeah. Once someone's crossed the line and gotten an inexorable hold on his emotions, to the point where he truly *does* value their safety as much as his own, there's not a whole lot of point in his continuing to play that don't-trust-me game. Personally, I agree with you: I think he's pretty much given up on it by somewhere in the middle of the second season, as far as Blake is concerned.

Unfortunately for Vila, unlike Blake, *he* never *quite* made it unambiguously to the other side of that line. Possibly quite precisely because Avon knows that, unlike Blake, Vila wouldn't hesitate to screw *him* over if it came down to a matter of survival.

All I-M-unsupported character-junkie-O, of course...

-- Betty Ragan ** bragan@nrao.edu ** http://www.aoc.nrao.edu/~bragan Not speaking for my employers, officially or otherwise. "Seeing a rotten picture for the special effects is like eating a tough steak for the smothered onions..." -- Isaac Asimov